Irregular Heartbeat

When we lead with our head and not our heart, we become imbalanced.

On my 50th birthday I awoke in the cardiac unit of our local hospital. Although I was originally diagnosed as having a heart attack, I, in fact, had two irregular heart rhythms that profiled in a funny way sending the staff at my doctor's office into panic mode and rushing me via an ambulance to the hospital. Irregular heartbeat. I found out sometime later that such a heart rhythm is not uncommon as we women move through menopause and our bodies go through a major chemical restructuring. For my "problem" I was put on drugs, a minimal dose, for 3 years. I hated the drugs so began to workout, eat healthy, take yoga, and learn how to meditate. Over time I was released from my cardiologist's care and set free of medication. But, the meaning (if there was one) of that funky heartbeat was not lost on me.....and it made me reflect on my life...why was I needing to pay attention to my heart? Emotionally, I thought, what does an uneasy heart beat mean to me?

According to Indian philosophy we have 7 energy centers in our bodies, or chakras. The symbol of a chakra is a lotus flower. The heart chakra, or fourth chakra, is associated with compassion, love, friendship, brotherhood, and freedom along with social identity and a sense of self acceptance, right where the heart resides. The lotus flower depicting this chakra is seen above, with 12 petals. It supposedly governs how we are in relationship with others and it's health registers the quality of love in our life. In Sanskrit, the heart chakra is Anahata, depicted in green, meaning "unstuck" or "unhurt". The implication is that deep within and under our personal stories of hurt and misunderstanding and emotional pain lies a wealth of compassion, boundless love, and wholeness.

Just this week (a week full of family time) I decided I would finally get my first tattoo, a lotus flower on my right shoulder. I have also changed my hair color and put two more holes in my ears. Hmmm.....what is THAT all about I wonder? Fraternal influence. Anyway, I have thought about getting a tattoo for some time but just couldn't find the right image. One of my colleagues suggested a rose because it had so much meaning for me in relationship with my mother. My mother, who I had a complicated relationship with, loved roses, particularly the roses my father would cut from his garden and lovingly hand to her to be put into vases all around our childhood home. I sprinkled several handfuls of those pink rose petals on my mother's body as she lay in her pink coffin. Rose tattoo? Nope, didn't feel right for me.

Now, my husband and I have been taking meditation classes for some time at a local Buddhist center. Who knew there were so many different ways to meditate...but there are. During one of our recent meditation training sessions, our Buddhist teacher told us to imagine a ever-unfolding lotus flower. I did that. In my mind I "watched" a large, white lotus flower, perpetually unfolding. That went on for sometime and then, the unfolding stopped. The lotus flower became black and shriveled up. Tears ran down my cheeks. I was struck with the contradiction of the ever-unfolding lotus flower, life and possibility, and the shriveled up black flower... death. My husband, as he told me on our drive home later that evening, just kept thinking how beautiful life was, full of potential as his lotus flower happily unfolded and unfolded. He and I thought that my image and reaction was a little odd (and the tears odder, yet!). However, when I mentioned my experience to my meditation teacher he told me it was wonderful... "You see the impermanence of life, yet embrace the possibilities." I liked this. Very ying and yang I thought.

A balanced heart chakra is related to freedom, growth, and expansion, easy and appropriate love, and an open and trusting state-of-being. An imbalanced heart chakra is related to physical ailments including heart disease (not surprisingly), breathing problems (hmmmm...I had a bout of that in grad school!) and breast disorders (spose this makes sense as we humans receive our most primal nourishment from our mother's breast). Emotionally, if the heart chakra is imbalanced there is a tendency towards either becoming too empathetic and feeling the pain of others too much, too often. Or, a person may feel critical, defensive, suspicious and pretty much closed off from the heart.

I am never sure what I think of all this yoga, Buddhism, meditation, chakra studies I seem to be involved in of late....but it sure is interesting and I do seem more peaceful as each tsunami rolls in :) And, yes, Toto, I think a lotus flower gently "etched" (as I scream with each stab of the needle!) on my shoulder is exactly what I want....and maybe need :)

And that irregular heart beat, you are asking? How am I with that these days? Well, usually I don't feel a thing but sometimes, and it does seem to be very specific emotional times, I do feel a little blip...blip...blip...pause...blip...blip...blip...pause in my heart (which I have been told is completely normal I just "feel" it sometimes and sometimes I don't). But, perhaps more importantly, I have learned that if I stop and reflect on what's going on in my life, my emotional life, as my heart is blipping and pausing, that irregular rhythm goes away (or I just don't feel it anymore).

Yes, a little green lotus flower on my right shoulder will be perfect...reminding me to listen to my heart as much as I listen to my head.

blip...blip...blip...pause...blip...blip...blip...pause....

Vintage (Previously-loved) Clothing......

When I was younger, how much somebody spent on me represented how much they cared for me and that seemed to turn into how much I valued myself. Not good. Gratefully I am older and those feelings don't weigh on me any more. Given those lovely, unhealthy feelings I swam around in as a young girl, I could never have imagined shopping at the Goodwill with my girlfriends; Nordstroms was the only place to get the newest style when I was in high school. The Goodwill, Oh My God!, was for poor people (and I felt poor, in many ways, so the last thing I wanted to do was shop in a store for those of modest means!). Funny how life changes. Yesterday I had the most enjoyable time with my brother and step-daughter. We went to 3 different used clothing stores (called Vintage Shops these days), one was a giant store the size of a supermarket (Savers, apparently, the 250th Savers with stores in Australia...well, this may not be a Vintage shop per se as the sea of clothing is organized by style, color and size....I love it, tho!) and came home with a trunk full of cute skirts, sweaters, blouses, jackets, jewelry, cheetah shoes, 2 handbags, 10 books ($1 each)...all for around $150 and some of it brand new. "Amazing," I thought as we pulled into the garage, "that's the price of a new Fossil handbag I had my eye on at Macy's."

Chocolate Covered Giant Marshmallows!

Last night we had a chocolate fest of sorts with friends.....we started with truffle mixing and flavoring, moved onto chocolate-covered marshmallows, and ended with truffle rolling. AND, we drank chocolate martinis all the while (thanks, Julie!). Yes, there is a video as proof but my friend has to be paid off to not post on facebook! I was having a good time :P

To make the mouth-watering truffles, we mixed cream and chocolate (well, Ken did this part) and then flavored the base with either cayenne pepper (creating the famous Afterburn); peppermint chips and peppermint flavor (creating the new Merrymint!); or grated orange peel and fresh orange juice (creating the well-known Sassy Citrus). Once melted and mixed, we put our bowls of delectable chocolate outside to chill....life in Maine means that during December the outdoors, well, right on our deck, right now, it's like a giant refrigerator/freezer. So, our truffle mixture chilled on our porch (at about 24 degrees) while we moved on with our next project...ginormous chocolate-covered marshmallows! See evidence above. Post giant marshmallow dipping, we returned to the truffles to roll in chocolate, I mean to roll THE chocolate.......I served the important roll of "quality control" manager to the delight of my husband and friends....the chocolate rollers :P

I groan and moan about the holiday season. I'm just so busy and then there are the holidays....I don't know where to find the time to do all we want to do....but, this was fun and the chocolate marshmallows were delicious....surprising my husband who had doubts....ah, ye have so little faith in my ideas but at least you are willing to see what will happen! Chocolate holidays...ho ho ho.

That Makes Me Feel so Peaceful!

One morning I sat two of my more quirky students down at the desk in front of me. Both are artsy little kids, who struggle to stay focused and tuned into daily math or reading lessons; they'd much prefer wander around their creative and very engaging fantasy lives. As I moved things around on my desk, getting ready to work with these two delightful little kids I lifted up my new set of Tibetian chimes (tingsha); they gently tapped together. Melody blurted out, "That makes me feel so peaceful!" No kidding I thought to myself. I heard the yoga teacher in me say, "Well, why don't we close our eyes, take a deep and slow breathe in and out. Let's breathe two more times only through our noses.....slow, deep breathes." And, then, when these two squirmy little kids looked completely relaxed and focused, I purposefully tapped the chimes again. When I looked up, Jackson, the creative and energetic little boy was sitting with his head held high, his eyes closed, his arms out and fingers touching in true meditation pose, with the most sublime look on his face. "Follow the sound," I heard myself repeating what my meditation teacher tells me when he rings the huge singing bowl in the meditation room of my meditation class. The singing bowl functions much the same way as the Tibetian chimes. Next to Jackson, Melody sat in peace, completely still, also in perfect meditation pose, a quiet and happy smile on her face. I was amazed and delighted.

My loving husband had just purchased these tingsha for me at a Buddhist center where we take meditation classes. Tibetian chimes or tingshas, also called Tibetian bells or Tibetian cymbals, are made of a bronze alloy, forged in Tibet in a way that captures a particular resonance, a harmonic set of tones, that is, simply, soulful. It's a clear and pure vibration that lasts for quite some time (one of my meditation students counted to 15 while she was listening the chimes). When I "follow the sound" it reminds me of how I feel when I smell anything made of essential oils; as I inhale, I smell deep down in my bones (strange, I know!). The Tibetian cymbals vibrate, in a similar way, so that I feel the vibration and harmonic tones deep down to my toes...I almost want to reach out and take a bite or grab it in the air.

Maybe next time these two wonderful students can't focus or sit still during long and, to them, boring school lessons, I should just walk up to their classroom, stand in the doorway and ring my Tibetian chimes............

Joy of Meditation

Breathe.

Breathe again.

Smile.

Relax.

Arrive

Where you are.

Be natural.

Open to effortlessness,

To being

Rather than doing.

Drop everything.

Let go.

Enjoy for the moment

The marvelous joy of meditation.

Lama Surya Das

I am Thankful for Chocolate Cream Pie!

http://spatulascorkscrews.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54fc08642883300e553bcba4c8834-pi

I sat alone in the yoga room as 2:45 came and went. I wasn't too surprised. Sometimes my young yogis forget that we have yoga class on Friday if we don't meet every Friday and we hadn't met in 3 weeks. 5 and even 10 minutes later my yoga students finally bounced into the room; chatty and full of energy. As we "settled" into group, several girls were talking out, others were eagerly raising their hands, rolling around on their mats, even rolling up their mats. I was trying to figure out what was going on. Did they miss yoga and were just excited to be back? Was it the holiday crazies? Is it because when they entered the room the lights were on and two teachers were conferring? "Those annoying fluorescent lights," I thought to myself, not wanting to turn out the lights until the teachers chatting upfront finished their school business.

My yoga students were clearly not centered as I opened class on this odd December afternoon, "What does being thankful mean? Since we have just had Thanksgiving and Christmas is coming soon, let's talk about what we are thankful for. Let's go around and have each girl tell us just one thing." At the same time I advised myself, "Slowly breathe in....breathe out," feeling the surge of energy flooding the room, crashing against the walls, nearly knocking me over. Not a millisecond after we opened, Karen and Page asked to run out of the room to get a dictionary. Libby wanted to tell the group about the 18 things she was thankful for and ran to pull a turkey drawing out of her backpack. On each of the 18 feathers she had written something she was thankful for and she wanted, was literally bursting at the seams, to share each and every word on those 18 turkey plumes. Lucy got up and walked across the room to get her snack, and Mackenzie asked to go to the bathroom. "Girls," I heard myself say, "you are so wound up today."

Clarissa, one of my brightest and most cerebral students was sitting directly in front of me, staring right into me, not a few feet away. Her hand was flapping back and forth with great speed, waving at me for attention. I nodded in recognition of her frantic hand, "Clarissa, what are you thankful for?" I was expecting some deep and thoughtful comment from this talented and extremely capable young girl, "Chocolate cream pie! And," after a beat, "lemon meringue pie!" she beamed. "And, why is that?" I ask in my patient yoga-teacher voice, "Because it tastes so good!" Chocolate cream pie? How about the air you breathe? The fact that you are alive? Aren't you thankful for the wonderful parents you are so lucky to have? How about that amazing brain of yours? Nope, chocolate cream pie. Clarissa was thankful for creamy, cool, chocolate cream pie. Sometimes I am just too intense for my own good I think to myself. Sometimes I find it hard to take the time to enjoy the little things. “Yes, chocolate cream pie is a good thing to be thankful for," I smiled to myself and to Clarissa.

As our discussion came to a close we moved into our yoga asanas (yoga poses) and then breath work. Conductor breath was probably not the best choice as my yoginis seemed to become even more excitable with each swing of their arms; out with your arms, up with your arms, down we go bending forward, letting out all the air in our lungs. Sun salutations seemed to some provide focus as did the warrior series but the energy was still consuming the room, bouncing off the walls, flooding the space and so I shorted our physical practice and moved us into a guided relaxation. And here is where the girls really began to calm down.

With the lights finally low and the room quiet, we all laid flat on our mats. In my best calming voice, I guided us to all relax our toes, relax our lower legs, relax our upper legs, relax our tummies, relax our backs, relax our shoulders (and my shoulders softened), relax our arms, relax our hands, relax our necks, and finally, finally, relax our heads. And then, in the quiet and dark of our yoga room, there was neither a peep, nor a squeak, nor any rustling around as we all meditated in peace for 5 wonderful minutes. As meditation ended I spoke, "OK, girls, when you are ready, you can roll on your side and sit up." Two minutes passed and not one girl sat up. Thinking that maybe I hadn't spoken loud enough, I said again, "OK, girls, when you are ready, you can come to seated pose." Another few minutes passed by and it dawned on me.......these girls need this time. They need this stillness and quiet in their minds and bodies like a flower needs water and sunlight. They didn't want to sit up. In our world full of noisy TVs, computers, iPads, iTouches, iPhones, hours of after-school activities, and the holiday crazy season, my little yoga students were seeking the peace and stillness that only meditation and relaxation with slow, deep breathing can offer. And so I let them lie still for a few more moments before coaxing them to open their eyes and sit upright.

"What am I thankful for?" I wondered as we all sat, our little yoga community (or sangha), quietly together. I am thankful for, and very grateful for the chance to teach yoga and meditation to kids. What a gift to them and what a gift to me. And, yes, I agree with my little yoga student, I am also thankful for chocolate cream pie.

Using Yoga

http://yogabuddies.blogspot.com/2008/10/pose-of-month-volcano-pose-october.html

I once worked with a student who was delightful but cognitively challenged. He also suffered from a heart ailment. My time to work with him was 1:30, right before the end of the school day. At a parent conference we discussed how unavailable he was to learning at that time of the day...he was just too tired. My colleague, sitting across from me at that meeting, who knew that I taught yoga and meditation to kids after school on Fridays, suggested that I do a little yoga with him at the beginning of my sessions. I don't know why this seemed so surprising to me, I was trained to teach yoga to kids and to teach yoga to kids in the classroom. I had hours of meditation and adult yoga training yet using it to help at school, during my sessions with this student, just didn't occur to me. Next time I saw this student we practiced bunny breath to energize him, we pushed the table aside and did 2 sun salutations, and we meditated for 5 minutes. He was then, ready to learn! I guess I learned something valuable, that day, as well :) Use yoga! It works :)