Wednesday, June 23, 2010
As I was working out last night ( there's nothing like lifting weights and sweating to help me feel like I'm really grounded in my body) anyway, as I was hoisting more weight than I really should over my head I was thinking....I feel bad. Am I depressed I asked myself? No. Am I feeling sorry for myself for some unknown reason? No. Well, what, I ask myself, is going on? Is my life going OK? Yes. Do I love my husband, have enough money, have a job, have my health. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, what is it? What are these feelings? And, then, as I was lunging away with a 12-pound barbell in each hand it hit me....today was the last day of school. I have been so busy with meetings, paperwork, data entry, filling out forms, filing consulting, etc., etc., etc., that I haven't had any time to reflect, let alone feel. And what I am feeling is not depression or some deep-seated sorrow that I am totally unaware of and need counseling for. Rather, I'm having a rush of feelings about people at work as the school year ends.
I am feeling very concerned about a colleague who had a hysterectomy today and is not sure she has cancer. I thought about this woman all day. It's 9:00. Is she up and out of bed? How is she doing? It's 10:45 and she's supposed to be at the hospital, checking in. Is she doing OK? It's 12:30 and her surgery has begun I tell my friends at work. I send her healing thoughts and wish her well. I am saddened by the moving on of a colleague who is retiring. Happy for her but, God, she is near my age and retiring! I cannot believe I am almost 56. And what will my retirement look like? This colleague is actually retiring and then taking a job in our same school district, part time, just to pay for health insurance. This could be me!
I am saddened that a substitute who I have come to know well and really like, is gone. I'll probably never see again. She and I thought similarly about kids and worked hard to make sure a very challenged student did well. I will miss that collegial relationship. And, mostly, I am sad and feel a real loss for students who I have come to know so well, who are moving on, as they should.
Of course, new colleagues replace those who leave and future students will become my new favorites but moving on for me is.....hard. Although there may be an up side. I did ask for my retiring colleague's office! It has a window and I'd give my right big toe to be able to actually feel the fresh air while at work. Right now I look through my window, across the hall and out the glass doors at the fresh air. My room can reach 86 degrees on warm spring days. Although I turn my little room into a wind tunnel with 3 fans humming in the background, I would LOVE that room with the window, right across the hall that my colleague has held for 20 years! We'll just have to see how I can finagle that one :)
For me, it's not being unaware of my feelings that feels the worst. Once I can figure out why I'm feeling whatever I'm feeling, my mood lifts. I feel lucky for that. OK, back to that 40 pound bar I'm balancing on my shoulders while squatting... I feel so much better :)