Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Do You Hear it?

Unheard Music

For a long
time, she
flew only
when she
no one
else was

 Flying Woman 
~Brian Andreas

 A friend retired today and is moving on with a new life.  I am retired, she's retired, I have many friends who have gotten to the point of retiring and literally moving on with a completely different life and it's always a complex transition full of mixed emotions.  This particular friend is a tad older than me and has been a confidant for a number of years.  Growing up with a mentally ill mother, trusting has come hard for me.  But, over time and through conversation, I came to trust this woman.  Through our friendship I learned how to nurture myself because she was always such a believer in me.  Sadly (and although I have a bad case of childhood amnesia I do remember this) my mother had the nasty habit of smiling and grabbing me in a hug and then the very next moment, and always unexpectedly, verbally lashing me in the face (as if she had absolutely no control of herself, which, of course, she didn't).  It was impossible to learn learn how to be nice to myself because you learn all you know about yourself and how to relate to and with yourself from those most near you as a child.  As a result of this unintentionally inept mothering (and I do forgive my mother), I basically learned to not trust anybody, relying only on myself, which made my life really hard for a number of years.  Female and male friendships I had long ago were borderline abusive and/or I was always the helper/listener (a role I learned well taking care of my crazy mother).  But, through this friendship, I learned what it meant to have a "good enough" friend and in that developed such a more kind relationship with myself as well as with others (and the little girl inside of me who was hurt so long ago, flying when no one else was watching).  During that last cup of coffee we shared, she thanked me through sharing the poem, below, by Brian Andreas.  I was reminded once again that we really do effect one another, don't we?

And, so even though I may not have said it at the moment we parted because it's deeply painful to say so long, good-bye, have a nice life and happy retirement to some body who has changed my life in such a profound way and who I will likely never see again in this lifetime as she is off on her retirement adventures and I on mine, I want to thank her, from the bottom of my heart for being there for me.

We will miss each other.  And this is how it should be, isn't it?

Don't you hear it? she
asked & I shook my head
no & then she started to
dane & suddenly there 
was music everywhere &
it went on for a very long 
time & when I finally
found words all I could
say was thank you

Unheard Music 
~Brian Andreas  
 unheard music StoryPeople print by Brian Andreas

From Story People by Brian Andreas

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